Hurricane

 Almost exactly a year since my last post

Seems like a recurring theme.. Akan ada satu event yang membuatkan I itching to pour my soul out through writing. It really helps. You just needed an outlet sometimes. I wanted to draw, but unfortunately since I tengah dekat temporary place (been moving about) and all my stuff dekat storage company, so tak dapatlah nk melukis. 

I think, nowadays, human connection is very scarce because we are all becoming more and more individualistic. Things that are happening in palestine proves this....

Anyway, somehow the consultant in the ward was pissed at me today. Maybe I was just the mangsa keadaan. Tbh, I did nothing wrong. In fact, I did everything right but I guess, that's just the nature of this job isnt it. It is a thankless job. So you just do what you can and I think, it is a good thing that aku ni Muslim because I always make sure that I kerja ni, sebagai satu ibadah. I make sure that I come to work with the sole intention of pleasing Allah. Cause otherwise, what for? 

So, PTSD sekejap tadi when the consultant behaved that way. Reminds me of how I was treated back in Malaysia although, tak de la sampai dia menjerit but it did make u feel... inadequate... When she realised what she did, and eventually said "nothing against you", honestly, ship has sailed bro, there's no turning back. But all I could think of during that time is not to cry. Cause I remember my interview feedback during my Pallative Care interview, they are looking for someone who can control their emotions and therefore, that kept me grounded and pulled my tears back down a notch haha. 

Susah jadi crybaby ni. Masa job sebelum ni pun, ada juga patient's relative was being quite difficult and there had been some misunderstanding even when I have epxlained the situation many times. Tu pon aku nangis bro because on top of dealing with that, kena deal dengan unwell patient. But I guess, that's just work... 

I think, everyone's finding their feet, but I guess, somehow the whites are really good at faking it. At putting up a front and appearing extremely confident. Masa aku tak bercampur sangat dengan diorg dulu, aku memang pandang tinggi dekat dorg but now....I am slowly realising....

But bak kata pepatah Melayu "buang yg keruh ambil yg jernih". So I will take the positives and belajar dari kesilapan. Anyway, next month akan bukak lagi Specialty Training punya application. I dont think I will be applying this year because I have not got the points yet. I am beginning to understand the application / pathway kat UK ni. So in a way, it was good that I tried to apply last year because it was an eye opener. So I need to work on that for the next 1 year and apply next year. Looking back to my previous post, at least, now Alhamdulillah, more clarity about what I want to do. At least, I have eliminated some things that I absolutely dont want to pursue. So for the next 1 year, I will continue build on my portfolio and work on for next Fellow interview and then inshaAllah in OCt 2026 baru apply for specialty training. But Allahualam, Allah knows best. 

Speaking of, I will be meeting my supervisor tomorrow so I shall have at least a solid one-year plan discussed with her so she could help direct me on what best to do. 

I passed my APLS alhamdulillah. Tapi, tu lah.. Dah takde hati pulak nk sambung Paeds. So, I will leave to Allah for guidance. 

I am planning for Umrah, May Allah allow me to His Holy land this year. Ameen

Best
Aly
xoxo

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