Future...?

 Salam...

Been contemplating about this a lot. And I just....i needed an outlet to vent out my feelings... Also, so that in the future, when I read back on this post, I will know and hopefully smile upon reading back what I felt right at this moment and what madness is going through my little mind. 

Sekarang ni, saya pelajar medik tahun 5 dah.. 5 weeks in. And, tengah dalam proses untuk samada apply internship di Ireland (fee €200).... atau patutkah saya buat Housemanship (foc- but may suffer a bit) di Malaysia dahulu.. lepas tu baru fikir untuk ke luar semula demi menuntut ilmu dan reap the benefits over there before coming back here again to benefit my nations. Untuk apply for UKFYP (albeit free) dah terlepas application stage 1.. a bit menyesal, sbb tak aware dengan recruitment date tapi tkpelah, that means, it is not meant for me..

My contemplation stems from:

- if terus buat internship overseas, I better stay there until dah dapat specialist / at least 10yrs experience being a doctor, then only come back in order to be able to qualify / register under MMC in Malaysia. 10 years...issa long time... sanggup ke aku sacrifice tinggalkan my little family, miss out on all the dates, ceremonies, my mom & dad....

- i taknak migrate sana pun. i eventually nk kerja and duduk malaysia. 

- nak tuntut ilmu under HSE atau NHS? Mana lagi better peluang untuk I become a better / more experienced dr?

- Apply pun, tk semestinya boleh dapat that position. YES, but that's not in our control. Should not think about that, yg penting kita usaha to the best of our ability, and let Allah decide if it's good for me or not.

- Do HO in Malaysia first, there's a guarantee gonna suffer a bit la dgn working environment here but, your skills going out of it is mantap bcs HO's exposure here is a lot more than if go back eire. But, if do HO here, even if then boleh try applying to get into UK system later on, and trust grade --> CT1/ST1, apa yang aku perlu buat in order to make me appear as the most valuable candidate they'd wanna hire/sponsor? Like for eire, aku dah dengar talk, Psychiatrist tu kata, volunteering experience is what the Irish cherish. so it'a a plus point. and, since we have more clinical skills, they're gonna see that as a bonus point also. But, for English people/NHS, IDK man. if they'd want a person whose done research ke? whose more exposed/done more clinical stuff ke? presented/seminar more ke?

- Mr M**** surgeon GH / PMC lecturer did tell us that it is better to do HO here, get all the experience and skills, then only apply eire balik. the same goes w K N*** whose an rcsi grad & done intern kat ireland. 

- But, all the scary stories yada yada about working environment here, is it worth it for me to sacrifice 2 years here? but at least being close to family and got the support from them. definitely spend more time with them.

So hard...