Dear Diary,
While I’m writing this, I am sitting on my bed in Shahrizan Inn, Kuantan, Pahang. 4thday away from Home. Spent 3 days in KL, cz I had my volunteering activities done for the Summer. That, will be in another entry.
So, the reason I am writing is because, I feel like my dad, might know when he’s leaving us. All the things that he now does, is as if, as a final goodbye to everyone who knows or knew him. It felt like Ji Hyun from 49 Days. I don’t know if he’s only acting on impulse, or was actually planning it, but this is like the very first time that, when we went to KL, he was so determined on having a reunion with his UPM colleagues. KL done, now that’s why we are here in Kuantan. Cz apparently, some of his friends live here, and he is so eager to meet them. You know how he is, very authoritative.
Already met them just now. While my mum was devastated and frustrated, cz it felt like, we were not properly celebrated as tetamu by them, it still feels as if it’s not to be frustrated about, but saddened. Like, kitorang end up makan luar and takdepun like datang rumah, and properly makan kat rumah dorg. But, in all honesty, I don’t know who to blame:
a. Was it my dad? Cause it may be that, he spontaneously or, rather, authoritatively tell them we’re heading to Kuantan like, two days ago, and the fact that it’s a weekday, some of his friends are working, so they can’t make the time to properly greet abah and spend some quality time with him.
b. Or was it actually their fault? The fact that, we came all the way from Johore, total 8+ hours of journey, semata-mata to meet them, yet, they paid no heed to at least show courtesy n decency to properly accept us here. But, like, they already have paid for our little dinner get-together, and it was, great seeing them have a good laugh, so that was supposedly, OK right? Despite their heavy schedule, they still manage to twerk it around a bit, to be able to spend time w my dad, albeit not doing it “properly” as my mum would say it.
c. Or was it just my mum’s fault for being so delusional? She was, after all raised by a good family, with good friends; so she had expected more? She was delusion by how a proper etiquette should be in greeting “tetamu”/good/close friends? But frankly speaking, I think she really shouldn’t have expected more, especially from people.
I don’t know, too many perspectives that we should look on, and it seems as if, it is nobody’s fault.
And, I, on the other hand, sometimes feel like I am not doing enough to support him-my dad. How, I should be the one monitoring his BP, what he eats, his Blood Glucose Level, bringing him to the field. Fuck, I’m a medical student, I should contribute more. But then again, I’m only a first year? There isn’t much I can do… or were these just me being defensive? Above all else, I’m his baby girl. I should be encouraging him to recover, just as how mak uda did to her father. No, I can’t bear the thought of losing him.
Well, but who knows, maybe he will lose me first. I mean, it’s life, right. Death is inevitable. You never know who’s gonna die, sequentially.
I need to tell my mom, why, he, out of a sudden sat outside the Safaa Restaurant. Bcs, he felt weak. He doesn’t like bearing the thought as if he was a charity case. HE’s NOT. “tak suka, asyik nak menumpang kasih/mengharapkan belas kasihan orang”. It makes him weak. It makes him vulnerable. And for all that’s worth, that was what he’s been trying to avoid all his life. He had a difficult journey, that’s for sure. But, he braved through all those things by his own.
Of course, he had his negative attitudes that can be so frustrating, I will never deny that. But, that’s him, right? I couldn’t possibly take that away from him.
Yours sincerely,
Intan.
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